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Do You Understand Emotional Intelligence?
Emotional intelligence is a valuable skill because it means you know how to work with all kinds of people, understand them and get along with them. Once you understand emotional intelligence, you can see the people around you who have it and those who don’t: at work, in politics, in the media, and in your neighborhood. The media uses both EI and EQ (like IQ) as shorthand for emotional intelligence.
Emotional intelligence is similar to empathy. It is the ability to “read” other people’s feelings and respond in an appropriate way. Emotionally intelligent people succeed because they make good connections with others, are trusted and liked. When you understand how and when to be kind, supportive, direct and trustworthy or gentle with people, they trust you and learn to rely on you. This creates a framework for business and personal interactions that form lasting and productive relationships.
To develop emotional intelligence, you must learn to focus not only on your own wants and needs, but also on the wants and needs of others. This requires learning delayed gratification, patience, and concern for more than just completion. Emotional Intelligence is also basically emotional maturity, which means that your mind can manage your emotions. According to Goleman, the five characteristics of emotional intelligence are: Self-Awareness, Self-Regulation, Motivation, Empathy and Social Skills.
• Self-awareness: People with high EI understand their emotions and because of this, they do not let their feelings rule them. They know the difference between feeling and thinking and can use thinking to moderate feelings without ignoring or suppressing them. They are confident – because they trust their intuition and good judgment, which is the result of using feelings and intelligent thought to assess situations. People who have emotional intelligence are willing to take an honest look at themselves, see themselves for real. They know their strengths and weaknesses and work on these areas so that they can perform better. They have positive realistic self-esteem, which means they have reasonable standards for their own good behavior. They care about others, but they are not interdependent. They can set boundaries for their self-protection. This awareness is an essential foundation of EI.
• Self-regulation: Also known as self-control and impulse control, this is the ability to control emotions and impulses. Self-regulating people usually don’t allow themselves to get angry or jealous; they do not have irritability or hysterical outbursts and do not make impulsive and careless decisions. They think before they act or react. Characteristics of self-regulation are thoughtfulness, comfort with change, integrity, and the ability to say no. They are good at delayed gratification, understanding that waiting for what they want can bring better results. They operate on an internal code of ethics rather than an externally imposed standard of conduct.
• Motivation: People with a high degree of EI are usually motivated. They are willing to put off immediate results for long-term success. They are very productive, love a challenge and are very effective in whatever they do. They understand that motivation comes from celebration and appreciation, and are willing to motivate themselves and others when appropriate.
• Empathy: This is the ability to identify and understand the wants, needs and views of those around you. Empathetic people are good at recognizing the feelings of others, even when those feelings may not be obvious. As a result, empathetic people are usually excellent at managing relationships, listening and relating to others. They avoid stereotypes and judgment very quickly and live their lives in a very open and honest way. They display generosity and kindness, and a positive attitude towards others.
• Social skills: Good social skills are another sign of high EI. They know how to cooperate, to be team players. Instead of focusing on their own success first, they understand that success comes from helping others develop and excel. They can manage disagreements, are excellent communicators, and are masters at building and maintaining relationships. In addition to the empathy on which these social skills are based, people with high EI are also good at patience, generosity, trustworthiness, gratitude, sympathy, and are emotionally responsive.
Here’s how to spot emotional intelligence in yourself and others:
1. What is an indicator that a person has no EQ?
He or she has no idea how to respond to a statement or question about emotions. “How do you feel about…” only brings out what he or she is thinking, if anything.
2. What’s the downside of dating someone with little or no emotional intelligence? It is not very satisfying because we all like to have emotional understanding and empathy. It also means that the person will not be good at listening or empathizing with your experience.
3. If we can’t detect any emotional intelligence, should we distance ourselves from the person?
If the relationship is going well, it will go well. This question will not matter. If you are frustrated by your lack of emotional intelligence and everything else is fine, you can try to learn it, get it out of your friend, relative or partner, but it takes a lot of patience. It’s like explaining feelings to a three-year-old.
4. What if the person has some EQ? What can you do to help them develop more EQ?
Be very responsive and supportive when his or her EQ comes up. If he or she does something thoughtful, be sure and express your gratitude. If she or he listens compassionately to you or someone else, praise him or her for it.
5. What is one way we can encourage others to remain emotionally present and intelligent?
Be emotionally responsive to him or her. Give him/her space to respond emotionally and thoughtfully; don’t be impatient, he’s not very emotionally intelligent.
6. Why are people with good EQ desirable?
High emotional intelligence creates closeness, comfort, empathy and love in your relationship. It is easy to have fun or share feelings with someone with a high EQ. You can count on a person with high EQ to be kind and considerate.
To develop emotional intelligence:
Before starting any new meeting or activity, take the following steps:
1. Make a mental note of the opportunities: Can you learn something there? Can you meet a new friend? Will you feel good just getting out of the house and around new people?
2. Remind yourself of your goals: You’re going there to enjoy the people there and to have fun.
3. Review your positive personal qualities: What do your friends like about you? What do you like about yourself? Your intelligence, your sense of humor, your style, your conversation skills? Are you a kind and caring person? Reminding yourself of these qualities means you will radiate that positive energy.
4. Have a positive outlook: Research shows that people who have a positive outlook have better lives, in part because a positive attitude is attractive and endearing, and people are drawn to it. As a result, you make friends. When you are positive, supportive of yourself and others, you notice the good things more than the bad, which makes it easier to relate to others. Plus, you feel a lot better about yourself, which means you feel more deserving of friends. It’s a positive spiral and it goes up and up.
5. Be interesting: Wear attractive but interesting clothing – something that reflects who you are. If you like to travel, for example, wear a shirt, scarf, tie or jewelry from another country, or wear something that reflects your ethnic background or a hobby (sports, outdoors, a Hawaiian shirt with surfboards, gardening equipment or an animal print). It will help start conversations. Match your energy with the energy of the people around you. Of course, if you’re dancing or barbecuing by the pool, the energy level will be pretty high. Whether you’re having quiet conversations at a cocktail party, discussing books, taking a class, or sitting down to dinner, the energy will be calmer and more focused.
6. Pay attention: Look around you and look to make friends. Notice who is around you and what is interesting or attractive to them, find something interesting about what they are wearing and complement it. “I’m sorry, but I couldn’t help but notice that gorgeous color; it looks great on you.” or, “What an interesting watch! Is there a story?”
7. Prepare in advance: Read up on some fascinating topics to talk about—the background score of a hit movie, some new technological advancement, or a cool new trend. Then, when someone wants to talk to you, you’ll have something to say.
8. Find a way to help: What do you need to do that you can enjoy? If you are in a new environment, I recommend finding a “job” to do. Don’t just say “what can I do to help?” Instead, volunteer for something specific: greeting people and showing them around, or keeping the food table restocked or refilling drinks. It will give you a sense of belonging, a great excuse to meet everyone, and keep you busy enough to keep your nerves at bay. The host or hostess will be grateful and remember you later.
9. Follow up: If you meet someone you want to get to know better, follow up the event or meeting with an invitation to coffee. The best friendships begin in these social situations.
Emotionally intelligent conversations are like tennis matches. That is, the other person “serves” him or her who asks a question or makes a statement. Then, you “barrage” back you answer the question with the type of answer that invites a response. For example:
He: “How do you know our lady?”
You: “We went to school together. I like Pam’s friendship, don’t you?”
This prompts your companion to respond and the “barrage” continues. If the conversation thread ends, the next “serve” is yours. If you have to restart the conversation too often, excuse yourself and move on. This person is not interested enough. If you make the other person do all the “work” of the conversation, he or she will move on very quickly. One-syllable answers are a pretty clear indicator of lack of interest, even if you didn’t think it was. Instead, turn on your charm and the other person will want more time with you.
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